This Diwali i was all at home. I was away from work – relaxed and enjoyed. Yet, it wasn’t like Diwali of the child hood. It was a perfect holiday – but it wasn’t celebration as much! Work has taken away some fundamentals from Life!
For last four and half years i have fully submerged myself into something that seemed what i wanted to do all my life. Something what i always hunted for and finally it was there – it gave me the opportunity to do my best – more importantly it gave me a chance to prove myslef; it had been a mission and it has almost become how i think about the world, think about myself – it has become almost about my identity.
On the parallel, we have got Jayam -a noisy restless kid who will fill the room with his sound. You can never have a silent moment when you are with him at home. There are lot of tamasha we get to see him and things go on like that.
When life puts so many things around us – we quite often don’t realize we are living it! I mean, we hardly put ourselves with a question of what life truly means, what we should have been doing which we are missing and what defines it.
Just recently, i begum to realize that while it gives great satisfaction of marching ahead, slowly lot many things fades away from being important – meeting friends, watching TV, listening to music, going for pilgrimage, celebrating festival, going for a walk, sipping a hot cup of tea, reading a book, driving bike, indulging into night long discussions, watching old photographs -and perhaps many things i don’t remember now. This Diwali, i felt i want to change something – i planned a perfect holiday; didn’t really opened the laptop. But that moment was short lived. the very next day i was alone at my house, and unlike how i planned – i didn’t really bother to pick up the phone and call anyone – and what was even surprising is that it wasn’t really that i went back to work quickly – i didn’t really care about that either.
No i am not complaining! I mean, i didn’t quite like to be in the state in which i saw myself in the mirror -but i know these are results of the choices that i make every day. But it wasn’t really about “why life is so bad or so much suffering?”. It is not much about “have i become a robot?” feeling. But it was a strong deep question – “What does matter to me in life the most?” – yesterday – it wasn’t work, it wasn’t any of my past hobby – it was nothing. Yes, it was NOTHING! It is just a strange realization that something for which we yearn and fight for so hard- suddenly become of no importance.. This is a state when desires and attachments – who otherwise drives us for everything (be it job or family or society) goes on a holiday! If suddenly they don’t exist – we are in vacuum. It’s like a car running out of fuel. It’s is not a bad car – its just doesn’t move. Can life really run out of fuel? It is not lack of energy, health or wealth. It is lack of happiness or sadness – it is lack of purpose.
Amusing Life ? Well, I have been here before. I know this feeling exactly – but I am helpless to know why life takes this shade sometime or other. I am not afraid, I am not worried, I am not surprised, I am not joyous, I am not confused, I am just blank!
“hazaaroN KHwahishaiN ‘eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle
bohot nikle mere armaaN lekin fir bhee kam nikle”